Death As a New Beginning

It's funny how we use others to propel ourselves forward--forward into life as short and brief, as snuffed and temporary as it is. We sprint towards the end and then BAM it hits us when we least expect it

Death shows up and we pump on the brakes and come to a screeching halt and realize as much as we want to we can't go back. We can't re-walk. We can't re-choose. We must re-try from that point forward to live like we always wanted to but were too afraid to.

Stand up in a Jeep and scream. Freeze your tail off in 30 degree weather because you are in good company. Drink too much coffee because you stayed up late the night before. The days pass on and slowly become interlaced with the night, the night tied to the day ina woven fashion never to be undone. Soon laying down to sleep is eternal.

Fear undoes the best of intentions. Fear disrobes the cloaks of love and friendship. Fear is our end. Fearlessness is the beginning of life. Not fearing death, embracing it's freedom, engulfing, submerging, and divulging in the eternal that could be is what makes this...this dismal daily grind, halt, start and stop worth bearing.

Have you pumped the brakes yet?

lub dub

like puddy warmed by rays like mud sodden by water tread by strangers and family alike like clay trembling beneath fingers molded torn shaped with form without form built up narrowed strengthened thinned out so is the heart malleable permeable impermeable willing to let in to take out yielding to hands bigger than its form folding to sharp words quivering at a light touch cold to the weathered tempers warm to golden memories changing moulting shaping itself to experience to wisdom to life living in itself expounding outside of its reach stretching contracting beating continually movement never noticed until there is none impressions made forever vacancies renters squatters welcomed guests trampled on taken care of replaceable quick healing long scars somber moments all contained in one vessel all mixed together in one mix yet separate from others because it is you it is me it is identity it is a name it is not ours we are His

fresh on the heart, deep from the soul

it's crazy how it all went down. sisters turned to strangers. letters now full of broken promises.
i never knew that words could lose their meaning, nor that God would answer my prayers in such an adverse and opposing way to what I thought He meant for me.
of course i know His way is best, but man have i been struggling with it.
especially lately. i always look for a purpose, my purpose.
and i have yet to find it. i see her life blossoming and growing like a stinking tree!
her faith so strong and grounded, so many opportunities to share God's grace, gospel, and love with kids...
envy isn't the right word. what i feel is a longing...no. a wishful thinkingness that i was still there. still talking to her every day and every night about hope, dreams, God's inconceivable love, how we were never good enough

it was my fault. in many many ways. insecurities. things i struggled with in other people's lives that infected mine. they crept their way into our sistership, into our friendsness. instead of growing from it, we tumbled.
we capsized. and so did other important relationships for both of us.
now the silence between our lives is quite deafening. i can still remember the words i would write
eagerly showing her the next time i saw her
waiting for an almost forbidden approval.
now all those things spoken are tucked away somewhere, just another memory to be forgotten and what i want to know is
what is God doing with these emotions in my heart?
they are stirring and still fresh, though time has passed as quietly with a fre words sparsely uttered here and there
i apologized. i tried. but it was never the same

my prayer now is to simply trust the God has the faith in me to be open to what He has in store

committment

it takes a lot to stay in a relationship
it requires being vulnerable
allowing walls to fall that have taken you so long to build up
but what happens when the vulnerability (excuse my made up word) is unreciprocated?
what happens when you're left with broken walls and nothing left to protect your heart?

that's the great thing about God, this i know
but it is such a hard lesson to learn with sinful humans
--myself included
when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable we break the norms of society
we tell the world that we have come, to this very moment to forsake our defenses,
let our pride fall to the side
and we step out unguarded
is it stupidity? is love really blind? because who ever finds a perfect relationship in which no pain will be felt?
no one!
but that shouldn't stop us.
that should not hinder us from putting our hearts on the line for us
cause
(do you want to know a secret?)

God made our hearts to be hurt.
yes, you read that right.
i don't mean to say that He wanted or wished ill things upon our emotional well-beings
what i truly mean is that one of the greatest blessings our Lord ever gave us was
the ability to heal, to love again, to be rejuvenated anf fascinated by the
trappings and slings of this life anew
heartache after heartache
we are still able to feel and revel in the joy of love, life, lolly-gagging, laziness, and laughter

break down the barriers.
disregard your doomed defenses.
alow beauty to illuminate even the darkest chaoses within your heart
for in doing so,
you make yourself a friend

Saved

A faithful promise never broken
A response, a word quickly broken
Vows upheld yet I withdraw
He stays near while I run far

Yet no matter the distance
No matter how lost
He has always found me
No matter the cost

I must swallow my pride
to call for His help
He always turns to listen
allowing His heart to melt

Time and time again
I run from safety
Praise God - For He is Holy
He will always save me