it's crazy how it all went down. sisters turned to strangers. letters now full of broken promises.
i never knew that words could lose their meaning, nor that God would answer my prayers in such an adverse and opposing way to what I thought He meant for me.
of course i know His way is best, but man have i been struggling with it.
especially lately. i always look for a purpose, my purpose.
and i have yet to find it. i see her life blossoming and growing like a stinking tree!
her faith so strong and grounded, so many opportunities to share God's grace, gospel, and love with kids...
envy isn't the right word. what i feel is a longing...no. a wishful thinkingness that i was still there. still talking to her every day and every night about hope, dreams, God's inconceivable love, how we were never good enough
it was my fault. in many many ways. insecurities. things i struggled with in other people's lives that infected mine. they crept their way into our sistership, into our friendsness. instead of growing from it, we tumbled.
we capsized. and so did other important relationships for both of us.
now the silence between our lives is quite deafening. i can still remember the words i would write
eagerly showing her the next time i saw her
waiting for an almost forbidden approval.
now all those things spoken are tucked away somewhere, just another memory to be forgotten and what i want to know is
what is God doing with these emotions in my heart?
they are stirring and still fresh, though time has passed as quietly with a fre words sparsely uttered here and there
i apologized. i tried. but it was never the same
my prayer now is to simply trust the God has the faith in me to be open to what He has in store
